Raw Water

Hi, I’m Sebastian Phillips, and what I’m going to share with you today will revolutionize the way you think about water. That’s right, water, that boring flavorless stuff your body needs but your mind is sooooooo over. Water, it’s so 50 million years ago, right?

[laughter]

I’m joking, but it’s true that since the dawn of civilization, mankind has been constantly striving to find a better way to ingest liquids. We’ve squeezed fruits and berries, harvested milk from other animals, dumped unholy amounts of sugar into things, and even used chemical reactions to make liquids fizzle and pop in our mouths. Why? Because water is boring. Water is lame. Water tastes like nothing, and we want to do something about it. Right?

[applause]

But what if I told you that’s wrong? What if I told you that the key to a better water is IN the WATER ITSELF? That’s right, mankind’s hunt comes full circle today, because I’m going to introduce to you the most revolutionary liquid of all time, something that will probably change humanity forever. Raw. Water.

[questioning looks, murmurs]

Now, some of you may have heard about raw water and scoffed, but that’s probably because you heard about people crawling around in forests and jungles to bottle up water that was just sitting around on the ground, gathering bacteria and insects and heaven knows what other sorts of contaminants. What they’re peddling is not RAW water, folks, but DIRTY water. And we don’t want DIRTY water, do we?

[shaking heads, booing]

Today, let me introduce you to the REAL raw water, a little something I call, Water H2.0.

[let curtain drop to reveal logo and workbench]

[applause]

Now, we all know water is made up of two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, right? That’s great. That’s the basic stuff of life right there. The problem is that water is so adhesive – no joke, water is actually a little bit sticky! – that anything else floating around in the world goes right into it. Dirt, metals, skin, pollution, all sorts of bad molecules that just love swimming around in water as much as we do. And even with all your fancy charcoal filters and reverse osmosis refrigerator doors, you still only get water MOSTLY clean. It’s never exactly what it’s supposed to be: two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen. And it’s all that JUNK that makes it taste so boring. It tastes like air because, like air, it’s full of stuff.

What you won’t believe until you’ve experienced it yourself is that PURE water, with AB-SO-LUTE-LY no contaminants of ANY kind, is an almost orgasmic experience. That’s right, folks, water can be better than sex.

[laughter]

But how could we make this perfectly pure water? Observe.

[cut to animation]

“For millions of years, people have been drinking water mixed with all sorts of horrible things mixed in. But no longer. Introducing Water H2.0, the purest, cleanest version of water ever created. At Phillipsco labs, we have created a vacuum-sealed chamber completely free of any particles whatsoever. Then within that chamber, we inject pure oxygen molecules and twice as many pure hydrogen molecules. We then cool the room down to temperatures as low as those found in outer space, which causes the atoms to stop vibrating and fall to the floor, where they form the bonds to create ice. This perfectly pure ice is then gently heated back up and deposited into lab-sterile vacuum-sealed bottles, then shipped to thirsty people all over the world.”

[end animation, zoom in, keep a steady gaze and a sincere tone]

This perfectly pure water has proven medical benefits of increased absorption, which helps your joints, your liver, and even your brain to function at a higher, healthier capacity than ever before. With Water H2.0, you can only imagine how much easier your kidney will have it. Absolutely no toxins to process. This isn’t water that just hydrates you; it cleanses your entire system, giving your insides a fresh, healthy new start.

[pull back, follow me going into the audience to walk up and down the aisles]

We’ve been drinking this water ourselves at Phillipsco headquarters, and let me tell you, the effect has been AMAZING. One bottle of Water H2.0 in the morning has completely replaced my four cups of coffee! It’s true! A bottle of Water H2.0 with every meal has smoothed my digestion, and even made what I thought was a gluten allergy DISAPPEAR. And, of course, I had to take Water H2.0 to the gym. Look folks, [chuckle], I thought NOTHING would make me actually want to go to the gym, but by hydrating with Water H2.0 between bursts of exercise, I found that my body was actually ENJOYING the workout. Without all those nasty toxins and pollutants and heavy metals that everyone else slurps from the gym water fountain – ewwww – I was reaching levels of peak performance I never could have dreamed of.

[applause, return to stage]

Now, you saw how much effort we’ve put into creating this incredible, revolutionary new beverage. Much of the technology at our bottling plant, we literally bought from NASA and refurbished just for this product. And I had no idea it would work. Three YEARS of scientific research and development went into Water H2.0, and until I tasted the first drop, I had no idea if it would be worth it. Folks, I’m happy to say that it’s MORE than worth it. Once I tasted Water 2.0, I knew I had something that would change the course of human history.

But with all that equipment and all these benefits, could Water H2.0 possibly be something I can afford? Haha, yes, I can see those wheels turning in some of your heads. Maybe you see our special metal vacuum-packed canisters and all that NASA technology and think that a bottle would cost $1,000? Oh, no, friends. Surely the canister itself costs at least $100? Oh, no, not at all, friends.

Thanks to some generous benefactors and a significant investment of my own personal savings, I’ve been able to refine our bottling process so much that each bottle of Water H2.0 costs only $49.99. BUT, I want the world to really discover its benefits, and for that, you need to completely replace your old dirty water intake with Water H2.0 for at least five days. That’s why I’m making this special offer today to you and anyone lucky enough to be watching. If you order within the next 30 minutes, I’ll give you a palette of Water H2.0 – that’s 24 bottles – for just 10 easy installments of $29.99. That’s right, for less than your monthly coffee bill, you can experience the joy and invigoration of a new life thanks to Water H2.0.

But what if I don’t like it? Folks, this is my reputation, and I would never let it suffer. If you aren’t completely satisfied with Water H2.0, simply return any unused bottles for a complete refund. So what are you waiting for? Jerry, tell them the number to call.

[voiceover with phone number and website]

((Okay, Jackie, type this up and make sure it circulates with the crew. Also, get our media buyer on the line because I want to make sure we’re running simultaneously in all markets. We’ve only got a month with this play, so I want it to go strong, go hard, then go home. The lawyers are sure water isn’t subject to FDA claims regulations, but I’ve only got enough of those canisters the Red Cross threw away to meet initial demand, and I honestly don’t think this one will be worth the legal fees. Oh, and don’t bother sending the transcription back to me to look for typos, please. That’s what I pay you for, darling. All right. Let’s do this.))

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